BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Yep, put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

Crazy, busy, stressful work week! In the past, during these days, all I would think about is opening a bottle of wine when I got home. Thursday I had to put in a 13 hour day. Teach and then work the gate at a soccer game – not by choice. ( grr. Don’t even get me going how North Carolina treats their teachers!) any how, on my way home, I was so grumpy because I HAD to do the game. Last year, I called home to G to have a glass ready for me!

A mom voice spoke to me. ” Stop. Complaining, put on your big girl panties and forget about it!”

How many times have I told my 3 daughters to quit whining, put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!  Hello Melanie! Practice what you preach!

In the last 5 ish years, I really became a whiner, a drama queen, a weakling in my own sort of way. Instead of putting on my big girl panties, I opened a bottle or two of wine instead of dealing with shit and getting over the – whatever- in short order.

It was like I hit myself over the head with this revelation! So, I came home, made myself some yummy spaghetti, and poured an ice cold fresca and patted myself on the back that I survived a long day and it was really no big deal!!!!

So instead of listening to wolfie, I now have my momma recording in my head!

Just need to hit play when I feel myself starting to weaken over quite frankly the little stuff!

Maybe I’ll buy myself some sexy big girl panties for a treat!!!

! BTW day 157!!!!!!

 

 

Drinking dream

Disturbing drinking dream last night! In the first month of sobriety I had several dreams where I was tempted to drink wine but I didn’t. Last nights dream, I drank several beers- very strange because beer would be my last choice for alcohol. I woke up up with heart beating and that all over bad feeling from a nightmare. Did not like it! Fuck you wolfie for getting into my bed and my head!

I make my coffee open my iPad to my mail and there is a Groupon for red wine!  WTF

OK  so I’m thinking that these wine bastard wolfie sightings are a good thing. As time goes on, it is getting easier but along with that comes complacency. So, this is a reminder that temptations will always be lurking and I still have to have my guard up and tools ready to stomp on them and keep this sober car running!

would love to crawl back in bed and begin a new dream… Maybe on a Caribbean beach with a hot cabana boy bringing me a sparkling water with fruit! Mmmmm

wake up Melanie, you have to go teach high school math…… I’ll hold that thought for tonight’s dream! 🙂

My pledge

Belle posted my 180 day challenge pledge today. What a timely reminder!

the meat of it is: I will not drink to celebrate, to be part of the party, because I’m missing my mom, because I had a stressful day… I will not have a FUCK IT moment!

i like the way I feel and can’t wait to see how good it will feel at 180 days! I think it’s day 129!!!!! Holy cow!

going to make a list of the positives:

1. No hating myself in the morning

2. No sobbing to my husband that I have a problem

3.My mind is not fuzzy when I teach

4. I have more patience!

5. Energy level up

6. I’m kinder to myself

7. My husband likes me better this way

8. Saving oodles of $$$ even with treating myself.

9. Face isn’t puffy!

10. Pretty damn proud of myself…. And that keeps a sober smile on my face!!!!

 

Too Close To The Fire

Day 101 🙂 still wearing my smirk.

i couldn’t have gotten this far without the sober blogs, Belle and Rebecca.

when I first began this difficult journey, I spent hours reading sober blogs, finding ones that especially spoke to me and I put them in my favorites. As I would read these everyday, some would fall off the wagon, talk about moderating, or decide to drink again after 100 days. As soon as I would read these shifts or thoughts I would immediately close the blog. It was like if I kept on reading, my strength would be zapped too and I would fail. If I got too close to the fire I would get burned. As one favorite blogger was nearing her 100, she was seriously considering going to try moderation. I felt like my best friend was going to betray me. I actually prayed for her to continue her sober journey. The day she decided to continue, I literally cheered out loud.

i feel stronger now and feel like I can not only read those posts where people are wavering or have fallen, but I can respond with some sort of encouragement. How far i’ve come.

I’ve always loved sitting close to the fire watching the flames dance…..I promise I won’t get burned.

100!!!!!! Ding Ding Ding!!!

Here I am at day 100!! Holy shit! I have this little proud smirk on my face! I think I will just go around all day with this sober smirk on my face with my triumphant secret. well, of course my husband knows and I might tell my daughters. well at least 2 out of 3 of my daughters.

So, guess what came in the mail yesterday? I totally forgot that I ordered the “sober is the new black” necklace from Belle. It was like 9 oclock last night when G went to get mail and he says, “Who is Belle?” I looked up and he is holding this envelope and on the back is hand written, “Love Belle”. I got so excited. Perfect timing, eh?

So along with my sober smirk, I will wear my new necklace!

Haven’t thought much about a 100 day treat or celebration. I am going to go and do a practice obstacle course run with the boot camp group of people and I’m pretty damn excited about that.

Ive been quite a bitch to G (husband) the last couple of days and I’m not sure why. Hormones, Menopause, bored,???? not sure.

So,yes, our nightly ritual has changed. It is boring now without the wine and silliness. He is content to just sit in front of the TV and watch his damn politics. Drives me bonkers! I know I can get up and do something but damn it, I don’t want to drift apart. Weve been together 4 years and I love him dearly. Ive talked to him about it  and asks me for suggestions. Why cant he come up with a plan? Grrrrr. Part of it is this damn weather. raining and 39. DIY,  Do it yourself Melanie!

ok, little rant over… lets get back to the sober smirk on  for having 100 fucking days of sobriety crossed off!!! What can I do positive?

I think I will go and encourage someone who is just beginning this journey! (not be all cocky cause I know, its still the very beginning) at least I can talk about these first 100 days and how wonderful I feel right now, today! stay in the moment! stay the course! TODAY!! ONE TODAY AT A TIME! I am worthy!!!!!

Life jacket

Finding sober blogs was definitely putting on my life jacket to this boat ride of sobriety. I had been beating myself up for a couple of years over my out of control drinking. I had done the questionnaires to see if I really was an alcoholic, cried and begged my husband to help me, bargained with myself to only drink on such and such days….but would always fall back into the “what the hell does it really matter” state of mind/ drinking.

about 2 days before thanksgiving, I read an article in good housekeeping about Amy and her blog Soberbia. The day after thanksgiving after drinking ALL day, I looked myself in the mirror and absolutely did not recognize the woman in the mirror. I went to computer and looked up Amy’s blog, found belle, and spent hours reading this unknown world of online support. I had no idea!!!!

this was what I needed!!!! Here on day 98, I couldn’t have done it without this wonderful world of support in cyberville.

i just couldn’t go to an AA meeting. ( that would make me an alcoholic, ha ha). Still can’t call myself that. Oh we’ll does that matter now?

all I know is I owe a big big thank you to all of you out here on this sometimes turbulent boat ride of sobriety…… You are all my life preservers! Sail on!!!

ps.. Sorry about all the typos……. I type on my IPad and it’s a pain in the ass. 🙂

Rebirth- spring!!!

First daffodil bloom in yard! Spring, a time a renewal, rebirth. It made me think that life is really about tiny moments of “rebirth” all the time. Journey of life is all about learning, growing experiencing. As I look back on y 50 plus years along this journey, I see that of course there have been several monumental rebirths! Choosing to become sober is definitely one of them!

Ive officially signed up for team 180! I’m on day 97!!!!! My 180 pledge goes something like this:

i pledge to not drink for 180 days. I will not to drink to celebrate, because I’m happy, because I’m stressed, because I’m missing my mom, because I’m having a Fuck It Moment… I will not drink, period.  I like how I’m feeling and I’m looking forward to feeling even better in 180 days!

im blooming, I’m going through another metamorphosis! I feel bright and cheery like my daffodil! I’m embracing this ” pink cloud” period or whatever they call it. I’m riding this feeling and hope my bloom stays nice and cheery. Stay in the moment! I’m worth it!!

Safe zone

What a crazy week!!!! this 3rd period math class is wolfie sitting in 33 desks ( well about 10 are dressed in wolfie fur) damn if I can stay sober when I get home from a stressful day with them then I can walk on hot coals!,,,

so how do I keep myself safe? Well, for the first time in 92 days, I stress ate -instead of downing a bottle of wine. confession: half a carton of mint chip ice cream!!!! But guess what? I didn’t beat myself up over it!!!!! Now if I start doing that every night, I might have to sign up for the tired of thinking about ice cream team 100.

it’s vey easy to stay sober when I stay in a safe zone. ( did I just say “very easy”?) how about, ” much easier”.

I feel like I have padding on when I surround myself with supportive people, people who don’t drink. I feel I have this invincible shield and I don’t have to worry about being tempted to drink or sudden attacks from wolfie because I have anti wolfie soldiers surrounding me!

I’m visiting my daughter who is in grad school who doesn’t drink, her friends don’t drink. We had an amazing day yesterday NOT DRINKING! My youngest daughter is one of my biggest cheerleader in this sober journey. It melted my heart yesterday when she said, “mom, I am so proud of you!”.

I can see that I want to surround myself with positive people like that. I want to do as much as I can to keep myself protected: in a safe zone… Can’t live  in a bubble I know, but I can choose the people I want to associate with. I’ve already seen the dynamics of one friendship change and that’s ok.

I’m making friends with another co worker and joined her boot camp. I’m stoked about it. I love to work out and my workouts the last year have been half assed. It feels amazing to be around other people cheering each other on working out! I feel the old me coming to the surface!! I’ve signed up to do a mud run obstacle course race with them. Sooo excited!! I think they hand you a beer at the finish line but I will just pass it on and go for the water jug. Don’t see it as a problem. I see it as a victory!

So, 3rd period is not a safe zone and I can’t do anything about it but I can pick a way to lead myself back to my safe spot–

mint chocolate chip ice cream or a boot camp workout — maybe both! 🙂

Whew!

Day 25! Survived the in law holiday weekend!  Very tough but I fucking did it!