OOPS

OOPS! I counted wrong! It’s only 7 months today!!! Yay me! Still pretty fucking awesome!  So I went to a family bridal shower today and my aunt said something like, “well, Mel will be there with two glasses of wine in her hand.” She was being funny and truthful and unknowing. I said, actually, I haven’t had alcohol in 7 months! My sister in law and niece were there as well. They were astounded then told me good job! My sister in law added to my aunt that my brother, her husband, has not drank in almost 5 years!

i try not to advertise to people about my sober journey but I just had to let it out today!!! It felt good, damn good!

think I’ll go have a small piece of rhubarb cake and ice cream! 🙂

No wine and rolls

Being injured sucks! Trying not to complain because I just have a sever case of plantar fasciitis – going on four months- but it’s frustrating! Exercise is my outlet. I still try and do upper body weight, knee push-ups, abs, and ride my bike but not being able to run, jump, dance is making me crazy. I am getting rolls on my tummy and my thighs are getting huge. I’ve lost control of my eating. I am health conscious and even when I drank, I always ate very very clean. Last couple of weeks, I just don’t care. It’s starting to bother me. I need to put a reign on it. Is over eating worse than over drinking? I guess I’ll take a few extra pounds over the self loathing over drinking.

i know my moderation button is broken when it comes to drinking. I don’t think my moderation button for eating is broken. It’s just out of whack. Chronic pain can really fuck with your mental abilities. 

It’s a new day!!!!! I need to be kind to myself, stay off my foot so it can heal, exercise upper body and FEEL PRETTY DAMN PROUD THAT TOMORROW WILL BE 8 MONTHS SOBER! Holy shit!!! High fives Melanie sue! Just have a small piece of cake and a small bowl of ice cream! I am blessed! The tummy rolls are ok!!!!

Alive!

I am alive and well. Busy finishing up the school year. It was strange not celebrating with bottles of wine the start of summer vacation. Instead I had a “me” shopping day: 3 sun dresses, a massage, flowers and a yummy frappacino!

something is weighing heavy on my mind this morning, so I’m going to write about it ( like morning pages).

my oldest brother has been sober for. 4 years. He actually inspired me to quit. Anyway, he found out he had lymphoma of the skin last summer. They treated it with radiation. They just found another spot and they also did a cat scan and found a lesion on his liver that needs to be biopsied. Of course he made a joke about it saying its a bunch of whiskey sitting there. I’m scared for him and I could sense his fear under his humor. He is 55 years old. I love him. I guess the only thing I can do is dig deeper into my faith and pray. Ask God for strength for him and his family. I’m going  to michigan next week to visit my daughter. He lives 30 minutes away so I’m glad I will see him.

im glad I am taking care of my liver now and hope I didn’t do too much damage. If any one reads this and believes in God, please say a prayer for my big brother. Stay sober!

” Not your circus, not your monkeys!”

So last weekend as I watched the drunkeness, I asked my husband if I was “that bad”? of course he said “no”! I had to remember that he was the one who told me that I didn’t have a problem when sobbing to him about my guilt and self hatred after drinking too much. After I asked the question, I knew it was a dumb question. It goes back to the day I quit, the day I realized that it didn’t matter what my husband thought about my drinking, it mattered that I thought it was a problem. There is no set number of drinks or nights per week or questionnaire that can define if you have a drinking problem. If ANY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF – THEN -YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!  No, I don’t think I acted like so and so but that is not the point Melanie. I hated myself for feeling out of control. Hated that I couldn’t have just one. I can’t compare myself to anyone. I need to remember my feelings, my purpose for quitting, and not anyone else’s.

My sister ( who likes her beer and wine) asked me how much is “too much”? I tried to explain it to her that it wasn’t about the number but how I felt. I think she was really questioning herself. She responded with, “well, I don’t think I have a problem.” Hmmmmm but it’s not my question to answer for her, it should be to herself.

My daughter told me this funny thing that her friend told her when she was worrying about something she had no control of, she said, “just remember,  it’s Not your circus, Not your monkeys!” I love it!

In other words, change and take control of the only thing that you really can, and that is YOURSELF! I’ve got plenty of my own monkeys, …………and a wolf on the run!  🙂