Breaking new ground

Went to two social events this weekend. One was at the neighbors for a BBQ. That wasn’t so bad, not the first one. Hubby G was next to me and comfort of my house two doors down made it not difficult. I’m finding that I enjoy staying for about 1-2 hours then I’m ready to go home. I’m ok with that. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

last night I went alone to a get together at a new friends house. I was nervous. Not because of being tempted to drink but because I was going to a social event without the crutch of wine/ alcohol giving me the buzzed courage to talk to new people. This is huge. I did talk to my friend the host for a bit but she was busy hosting. Most the others knew each other quite well. I sat on the outside watching. A few people came and sat in my small circle. At times, I felt like I was stumbling over words joining the conversation. Totally new territory. But I actually told stories. Felt a bit “naked” and vulnerable.

I was pretty pleased with myself. I stayed two hours even though I was the first to leave. Told hubby how proud I was. It wasn’t a battle of whether or not to drink, it was confronting my fear of new social situations. Wow what a shift. Guess 150 days under my belt is good for something! 🙂

Menopause and sobriety! That’s the couple of the year!

Menopause had been kicking my butt for about a year until February I went on bio identical hormones! What a difference! Amazing! I feel so much better!  No more inferno hot flashes every fifteen minutes! I sleep better. I know everyone said that being sober would help sleeping but it didn’t with me, menopause was still winning. Not anymore! I am feeling great! I’m going with the flow trying to really feel my emotions when they come. I get emotional tears out of the blue and it’s new to really feel them and not dull them with wine.

Saying that, I’m feeling a bit weepy right now and a flicker of a thought to have a glass of wine came over me but I shut it out.  I’ve been away from G for four days buying the house back in michigan and spending time with my daughters. So I’m missing him and going to say goodbye to my youngest. She’s in grad school in Minneapolis and don’t know when I’ll see her again. Sad. I know, that’s what mother hens are suppose to do, let their fledglings fly.

focus on the positives!!! I can do it. Sober and kicking MENOPAUSE’S butt!!!

Embrace the suck!

Wow! The last two days have been soooooo stressful!!!! 2 nine hour days in the car and trying to close on a house in michigan tomorrow . It has to be tomorrow because I’ll only be here tomorrow.

Finance loose ends are not coming together!!!! Many frustrating, hold my temper phone calls today! Old Melanie  would have had a bottle of wine cracked the moment I put my car in park!!! I embraced the suck,,,, I couldn’t fail in front of my daughters. I wanted to BAD! I wanted to be numb, I was pissed and I wanted instant self medication.

I was a bitch but I endured it. 

I am now sitting with one daughter at my oldest daughters coffee shop drinking a yummy decaf americano relaxing.

ive accepted the fact that if the house sale doesn’t go through tomorrow, I will live. It will work it out.

i need to remember this. Just ride it out. Be a bitch if you have to be one. People that love you will forgive you.

yes, I did eat some brownies and a hamburger and fries that I don’t normally eat but it’s ok. I didn’t drink, I didn’t drink. I I dint drink I didn’t drink! I embraced the sucky day and I survived! 🙂

Comfort zone

They say that when you get out of your comfort zone, you grow. I agree. I am a fitness girl and about 2 months ago I started going to boot camp twice a week for a change from my at home workouts. First, it put me with a group of people that I didn’t know( out of comfort zone), next, the workouts were different and challenging ( out of comfort).  Love them! 

About a month ago, many of us from the group did a Spartan obstacle mud race! Major challenge and out of comfort zone! I surprised myself with my results.!

It says:” warning, the spartan race is a dangerous and demanding extreme sport. There is a real possibility that YOU MAY DIE  or be catastrophically injured!” Isn’t this life? Except you WILL DIE, we all do!   I was on such a high after I accomplished that race.

deciding not to drink is definitely out of my comfort zone! Being sober is enabling me to live life to the fullest. I need to pat myself on the back everyday for remaining sober! Everyday is a sober spartan race! I will have obstacles!! I can overcome them! In the Spartan race, if you can’t complete an obstacle, you do 30 Burpees instead.

so, if I can’t stand to be at a social event where there is major drinking, then politely say good bye and do an alternative! 

Or think of another way than the conventional to get over an Obstacle.

There was one four foot deep muddy ditch we had to go through. I could not get traction so I just put my face in and swam across! The worker laughed at me and said, well, that’s one way to get across!

so, yes, choosing to be sober is out of my comfort zone! Obstacles will come. I need to re affirm that there is always a way! With feeling uncomfortable and surpassing obstacles comes growth! ……….and the wonderful proud sober feeling, I call it my sober smirk!

I’m patting myself on the back now and giving high fives to all of us embarking on this sober journey!!!!

Wolfie found a crack!

Get the hell out!

For some reason, this week I’ve been thinking about drinking a lot. I had another dream that i snuck a couple sips of wine then I said, it doesn’t really matter, it was only a little!     STOP!   I know in reality this is Not true! I know that my moderation button is broken. I know that if I have a few sips that it will quickly spiral into where I used to be!

NO NO NO NO NO! I do not want that. I’m reaffirming that I want to continue this absolutely SOBER life!

Wolfie wine bastard go somewhere else! Talk to the hand!!!!!!!

New season of challenges

Spring is here, summer is just around the corner. Started to get our backyard “paradise” spruced up after the long winter. Umbrellas up. Flower planting beginning. In the past, my hubby, G, and I would daily sit outside, unwind with a bottle or two of wine. I’m feeling that wolfie is whispering to me, remembering the false enjoyment of reading on the deck. Sun, pool…… And drinking, always a threesome. It’s going to be challenging. Especially when we have our friends and family over that will expect it. My one stepdaughter still can’t believe we are still doing “this sober thing”. Of course, she drinks a lot.

im going to get some new tools ready along with some pat answers ready . I’m praying that G will stay on board with “this sober thing” because it would be a bitch if he brought home a bottle of old vine zin.

” I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!!!!

Liar, Liar!

Not this time!!!!!!!

so, you know when you go to a new dr, or health professional and you have to answer the medical/ lifestyle questionnaire?

and that question that asks: alcohol: no consumption ______ occasional ( 1-3 drinks) a month _____, social ( 1-3 drinks a week) _____, moderate ( 1-2 a night)____     heavy( 3 or more a night ____????

Well, of course I never checked the appropriate box which should have been HEAVY: .5 – 1.5 bottles of red wine a night, 5-6 nights a week.

i am not a liar by nature and moral standards but I always lied when answering this question. Come on, bet many,if not all of us have lied on this one. I always felt guilty, deceptive. A liar.

Today I went to a new massage therapist and filled out the questionnaire! I DIDNT HAVE TO LIE!!!!! I checked NO ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION!   Woo hoo, that felt so amazing! So freeing! I was so proud! No guilt from lying.

so add this to my list of positives!

 

Drinking dream

Disturbing drinking dream last night! In the first month of sobriety I had several dreams where I was tempted to drink wine but I didn’t. Last nights dream, I drank several beers- very strange because beer would be my last choice for alcohol. I woke up up with heart beating and that all over bad feeling from a nightmare. Did not like it! Fuck you wolfie for getting into my bed and my head!

I make my coffee open my iPad to my mail and there is a Groupon for red wine!  WTF

OK  so I’m thinking that these wine bastard wolfie sightings are a good thing. As time goes on, it is getting easier but along with that comes complacency. So, this is a reminder that temptations will always be lurking and I still have to have my guard up and tools ready to stomp on them and keep this sober car running!

would love to crawl back in bed and begin a new dream… Maybe on a Caribbean beach with a hot cabana boy bringing me a sparkling water with fruit! Mmmmm

wake up Melanie, you have to go teach high school math…… I’ll hold that thought for tonight’s dream! 🙂

My pledge

Belle posted my 180 day challenge pledge today. What a timely reminder!

the meat of it is: I will not drink to celebrate, to be part of the party, because I’m missing my mom, because I had a stressful day… I will not have a FUCK IT moment!

i like the way I feel and can’t wait to see how good it will feel at 180 days! I think it’s day 129!!!!! Holy cow!

going to make a list of the positives:

1. No hating myself in the morning

2. No sobbing to my husband that I have a problem

3.My mind is not fuzzy when I teach

4. I have more patience!

5. Energy level up

6. I’m kinder to myself

7. My husband likes me better this way

8. Saving oodles of $$$ even with treating myself.

9. Face isn’t puffy!

10. Pretty damn proud of myself…. And that keeps a sober smile on my face!!!!

 

Tough

Whew! tough Friday and Saturday. Wine bastard wolfie has been MIA but he resurfaced this weekend. Just a brief sighting Friday night having dinner outside at an Italian restaurant. Ladies next to us were drinking red wine out of big round glasses. My glance turned into a stare. I shook it off though. And drank my water and focused on our own conversation.

Saturday was a bitch! Went to step grandsons 7th birthday party. Cruella de Ville, the ex wife was there. The last birthday, I self medicated with copious amounts of wine. I was extremely uncomfortable. I was cordial but kept myself busy and as far away as possible. My step daughter and friends drink – a lot. We used to partake with them at events such as these. I guess she questioned hubby G in front of several people. Bravo to my husband for sticking up for my choice. He surprised me yesterday and didn’t even have one beer! Love that man! Why do people have to be so shocked? Definitely had strong urges to just say fuck it and drink.

Thankfully when I asked G about his fun meter, he said it had expired, so we were first to leave. On way home we discussed our not drinking. I’m so glad he is so happy not drinking ( he has had a single drink on a few occasions) I definitely could NOT do that.

I thought the urge would go away when we got home but it didn’t. I really felt like unwinding with wine. Took dog for a walk instead then ate yummy leftovers from Italian yestaurant and rewarde myself with a small bowl of ice cream.

Social anxiety is definitely a trigger point for me. I survived yesterday.

It was strange being sober and seeing my real self navigating through those difficult events. I don’t really know that real me. I’m getting to know that Melanie. First impression: I think I like her, maybe she’ll have a cup of coffee with me this morning.

She just told me, “Awesome fucking job for not caving in yesterday!”

It’s  a new day! Another sober new day! 🙂