Do I miss it?

Do I miss it? Not even the occasional? Not even for a big event? Not one drop since thanksgiving?

oh, the questions! More people are realizing this not drinking thing has lasted longer than a few days/ weeks. And with it comes surprise, confusion, and questions. My new line is, ” my moderation button is broken and it’s still in the shop!”. It gets a chuckle along with puzzled faces. Yesterday total mayhem invaded our house with my visiting daughter, 6 grandkids ages: 9,6, 2 twins 8 months and a 4 month old and 2 stepdaughters, one son in law and our dog who does not like kids tormenting her. Omg! I didn’t drink!!!! Holy mother of f$@k! I did have a huge bowl of ice cream after the dust settled. I didn’t wake up hating myself over it! 🙂 so all is still good in the neighborhood………. I’m glad the guys at the fix it shop don’t have the parts to fix my moderation button. I’m good with the “no thank you, I’m drinking Le Croix!”:))). And eating mint chip ice cream!

Good here in the neighborhood!

I haven’t been writing because I’ve been busy being busily sober! Lol I know, I should make time like when I wrote morning pages religiously. It really is therapeutic!

im just humming along and in a really good place. It’s been 2 months  since I’ve started taking my bio identical hormones for wonderful menopause! Huge difference, hot flashes are gone, energy is up, my motivation to exercise like my old self is back, I’m sleeping a little better, I don’t feel so soft and bloated! I’m also thinking that  not drinking 1-2 bottles of wine almost every night is adding to my hormones being balanced and general feeling pretty damn good! Duh! Ya think?  🙂

i m just not into socializing with drinking people like I used to though. I can handle their company for an hour  or so and then I’m bored and I just politely excuse myself and head home. I’m ok with that. Today is 4 months!  I know it’s early but I’m loving it today!!! And we only have today, right now!

Al is good in the neighbor hood. Won’t you be my sober neighbor? I’m really kind of fun! Sober high fives melanie

Reality- not so bad

So, I survived another wedding sharing a hotel suite with sister/ brother in-law whom we used to drink heavily with in our drinking life. It was very difficult as they poured their glasses( my husband had 2) and we all sat on our balcony overlooking the ocean. Wait, let me rephrase that, IT WAS FUCKING HARD!

There were Bottles of my favorite red and people I enjoy in close proximity, not only for one night but 2! I had my diet coke. I survived. I didn’t really relax though,  kept jumping up and busying myself. They didn’t drink heavily, and I was happy for that. I was up at 5 after the first night. Didn’t really feel like running and working out but I made myself… After an hour beach run/ workout and watching the sunrise, I felt amazing!!!! No toxins to sweat out!

It was a family wedding with some family tension. I was kind of an outsider. It was different to observe all of this sober. Normally, I would have self medicated my anxiety with wine. I was quiet. I also felt old, or at least my age. I am a very young 53 but wine in the past always blurred my vision of my authentic self. This weekend, reality of who I am at age 53 was clear and i’m ok with it. I’m physically fit, I’m still fun, I’m kind of ok with getting wrinkles… I love my family… And I really love being sober! It really is so much better not being numb  with alcohol going through life. Reality is not so bad. At day 108!

I treated myself to a banana nut muffin today at the airport. Oh btw, another round trip flight without wine or Xanax!!!! 🙂 now that is a reality I’m REALLY OK with!

Another first

Yesterday I survived a day of teaching then 3 hours of parent conferences without coming home and immediately opening a bottle of wine! Another first!

i did immediately take 800 mg ibuprofen for headache and plantar pain and then scooped me a huge bowl of mint chip ice cream! 🙂

its kind of like the first year after my mom died. I had to go through all those firsts without her :birthdays holidays, anniversarys, etc. Difficult to say the least… But they came and went. And so too these hurdles to jump over without wine. There are more to come but with each new first, I feel more confident for the  next one. Parent conferences with no wine afterward was a big one!

probably only teachers would understand. It’s my least favorite day of teaching.

another first is approaching this weekend…. A wedding. I can do it! I WILL DO IT!

Too Close To The Fire

Day 101 🙂 still wearing my smirk.

i couldn’t have gotten this far without the sober blogs, Belle and Rebecca.

when I first began this difficult journey, I spent hours reading sober blogs, finding ones that especially spoke to me and I put them in my favorites. As I would read these everyday, some would fall off the wagon, talk about moderating, or decide to drink again after 100 days. As soon as I would read these shifts or thoughts I would immediately close the blog. It was like if I kept on reading, my strength would be zapped too and I would fail. If I got too close to the fire I would get burned. As one favorite blogger was nearing her 100, she was seriously considering going to try moderation. I felt like my best friend was going to betray me. I actually prayed for her to continue her sober journey. The day she decided to continue, I literally cheered out loud.

i feel stronger now and feel like I can not only read those posts where people are wavering or have fallen, but I can respond with some sort of encouragement. How far i’ve come.

I’ve always loved sitting close to the fire watching the flames dance…..I promise I won’t get burned.

100!!!!!! Ding Ding Ding!!!

Here I am at day 100!! Holy shit! I have this little proud smirk on my face! I think I will just go around all day with this sober smirk on my face with my triumphant secret. well, of course my husband knows and I might tell my daughters. well at least 2 out of 3 of my daughters.

So, guess what came in the mail yesterday? I totally forgot that I ordered the “sober is the new black” necklace from Belle. It was like 9 oclock last night when G went to get mail and he says, “Who is Belle?” I looked up and he is holding this envelope and on the back is hand written, “Love Belle”. I got so excited. Perfect timing, eh?

So along with my sober smirk, I will wear my new necklace!

Haven’t thought much about a 100 day treat or celebration. I am going to go and do a practice obstacle course run with the boot camp group of people and I’m pretty damn excited about that.

Ive been quite a bitch to G (husband) the last couple of days and I’m not sure why. Hormones, Menopause, bored,???? not sure.

So,yes, our nightly ritual has changed. It is boring now without the wine and silliness. He is content to just sit in front of the TV and watch his damn politics. Drives me bonkers! I know I can get up and do something but damn it, I don’t want to drift apart. Weve been together 4 years and I love him dearly. Ive talked to him about it  and asks me for suggestions. Why cant he come up with a plan? Grrrrr. Part of it is this damn weather. raining and 39. DIY,  Do it yourself Melanie!

ok, little rant over… lets get back to the sober smirk on  for having 100 fucking days of sobriety crossed off!!! What can I do positive?

I think I will go and encourage someone who is just beginning this journey! (not be all cocky cause I know, its still the very beginning) at least I can talk about these first 100 days and how wonderful I feel right now, today! stay in the moment! stay the course! TODAY!! ONE TODAY AT A TIME! I am worthy!!!!!

Life jacket

Finding sober blogs was definitely putting on my life jacket to this boat ride of sobriety. I had been beating myself up for a couple of years over my out of control drinking. I had done the questionnaires to see if I really was an alcoholic, cried and begged my husband to help me, bargained with myself to only drink on such and such days….but would always fall back into the “what the hell does it really matter” state of mind/ drinking.

about 2 days before thanksgiving, I read an article in good housekeeping about Amy and her blog Soberbia. The day after thanksgiving after drinking ALL day, I looked myself in the mirror and absolutely did not recognize the woman in the mirror. I went to computer and looked up Amy’s blog, found belle, and spent hours reading this unknown world of online support. I had no idea!!!!

this was what I needed!!!! Here on day 98, I couldn’t have done it without this wonderful world of support in cyberville.

i just couldn’t go to an AA meeting. ( that would make me an alcoholic, ha ha). Still can’t call myself that. Oh we’ll does that matter now?

all I know is I owe a big big thank you to all of you out here on this sometimes turbulent boat ride of sobriety…… You are all my life preservers! Sail on!!!

ps.. Sorry about all the typos……. I type on my IPad and it’s a pain in the ass. 🙂

Rebirth- spring!!!

First daffodil bloom in yard! Spring, a time a renewal, rebirth. It made me think that life is really about tiny moments of “rebirth” all the time. Journey of life is all about learning, growing experiencing. As I look back on y 50 plus years along this journey, I see that of course there have been several monumental rebirths! Choosing to become sober is definitely one of them!

Ive officially signed up for team 180! I’m on day 97!!!!! My 180 pledge goes something like this:

i pledge to not drink for 180 days. I will not to drink to celebrate, because I’m happy, because I’m stressed, because I’m missing my mom, because I’m having a Fuck It Moment… I will not drink, period.  I like how I’m feeling and I’m looking forward to feeling even better in 180 days!

im blooming, I’m going through another metamorphosis! I feel bright and cheery like my daffodil! I’m embracing this ” pink cloud” period or whatever they call it. I’m riding this feeling and hope my bloom stays nice and cheery. Stay in the moment! I’m worth it!!

Rebirth

SOARING!!

Short post but just have to shout it !! I flew round trip wine free and Xanax free ( even squished between 2 large people with BO)!!! I’ve had panic attacks coupled with the runs before!! Soaring high on this victory!!!