Again

Day 1 of sobriety AGAIN. I went 20 months before!!!!! I rocked it! What the fuck happened? Damn moderation button is broken again. Don’t make em like they used to…… ha ha

Just shooting for 100 day challenge. Right now, it’s just going to be “not today”.

That’s sounds manageable.need to dust off my sober tools.

1. Nightly activities! Hmm…… sewing, walking, knit… ha ha., holiday crafts

2. Sober pen pal

3. Treats every 3rd day.

4. Find yummy, healthy drinks

5. Read scripture

6. No alcohol in the house! Hope Gary will be ok with that one… his moderation button is not broken.

7. Be kind to myself

So, right now, it’s just going to be:

“Not Today”

You’ve got this Mel, love yourself.

OOPS

OOPS! I counted wrong! It’s only 7 months today!!! Yay me! Still pretty fucking awesome!  So I went to a family bridal shower today and my aunt said something like, “well, Mel will be there with two glasses of wine in her hand.” She was being funny and truthful and unknowing. I said, actually, I haven’t had alcohol in 7 months! My sister in law and niece were there as well. They were astounded then told me good job! My sister in law added to my aunt that my brother, her husband, has not drank in almost 5 years!

i try not to advertise to people about my sober journey but I just had to let it out today!!! It felt good, damn good!

think I’ll go have a small piece of rhubarb cake and ice cream! 🙂

No wine and rolls

Being injured sucks! Trying not to complain because I just have a sever case of plantar fasciitis – going on four months- but it’s frustrating! Exercise is my outlet. I still try and do upper body weight, knee push-ups, abs, and ride my bike but not being able to run, jump, dance is making me crazy. I am getting rolls on my tummy and my thighs are getting huge. I’ve lost control of my eating. I am health conscious and even when I drank, I always ate very very clean. Last couple of weeks, I just don’t care. It’s starting to bother me. I need to put a reign on it. Is over eating worse than over drinking? I guess I’ll take a few extra pounds over the self loathing over drinking.

i know my moderation button is broken when it comes to drinking. I don’t think my moderation button for eating is broken. It’s just out of whack. Chronic pain can really fuck with your mental abilities. 

It’s a new day!!!!! I need to be kind to myself, stay off my foot so it can heal, exercise upper body and FEEL PRETTY DAMN PROUD THAT TOMORROW WILL BE 8 MONTHS SOBER! Holy shit!!! High fives Melanie sue! Just have a small piece of cake and a small bowl of ice cream! I am blessed! The tummy rolls are ok!!!!

Alive!

I am alive and well. Busy finishing up the school year. It was strange not celebrating with bottles of wine the start of summer vacation. Instead I had a “me” shopping day: 3 sun dresses, a massage, flowers and a yummy frappacino!

something is weighing heavy on my mind this morning, so I’m going to write about it ( like morning pages).

my oldest brother has been sober for. 4 years. He actually inspired me to quit. Anyway, he found out he had lymphoma of the skin last summer. They treated it with radiation. They just found another spot and they also did a cat scan and found a lesion on his liver that needs to be biopsied. Of course he made a joke about it saying its a bunch of whiskey sitting there. I’m scared for him and I could sense his fear under his humor. He is 55 years old. I love him. I guess the only thing I can do is dig deeper into my faith and pray. Ask God for strength for him and his family. I’m going  to michigan next week to visit my daughter. He lives 30 minutes away so I’m glad I will see him.

im glad I am taking care of my liver now and hope I didn’t do too much damage. If any one reads this and believes in God, please say a prayer for my big brother. Stay sober!

” Not your circus, not your monkeys!”

So last weekend as I watched the drunkeness, I asked my husband if I was “that bad”? of course he said “no”! I had to remember that he was the one who told me that I didn’t have a problem when sobbing to him about my guilt and self hatred after drinking too much. After I asked the question, I knew it was a dumb question. It goes back to the day I quit, the day I realized that it didn’t matter what my husband thought about my drinking, it mattered that I thought it was a problem. There is no set number of drinks or nights per week or questionnaire that can define if you have a drinking problem. If ANY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF – THEN -YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!  No, I don’t think I acted like so and so but that is not the point Melanie. I hated myself for feeling out of control. Hated that I couldn’t have just one. I can’t compare myself to anyone. I need to remember my feelings, my purpose for quitting, and not anyone else’s.

My sister ( who likes her beer and wine) asked me how much is “too much”? I tried to explain it to her that it wasn’t about the number but how I felt. I think she was really questioning herself. She responded with, “well, I don’t think I have a problem.” Hmmmmm but it’s not my question to answer for her, it should be to herself.

My daughter told me this funny thing that her friend told her when she was worrying about something she had no control of, she said, “just remember,  it’s Not your circus, Not your monkeys!” I love it!

In other words, change and take control of the only thing that you really can, and that is YOURSELF! I’ve got plenty of my own monkeys, …………and a wolf on the run!  🙂

SOBER TIME!

My 6months of sobriety treat to myself!

Team 365! Bring It!

So, Here it is, My team 365 pledge I wrote to Belle and Rebecca: 

Today at 7:33 PM

I’ve done 180 days! I’m ready for more! I love the way I feel sober and I know it will only get better!

Wolfie is mostly quiet these days but I know if he lurks I need to reach out -immediately!

I vow to not drink one fucking drop between now and my one year sober versary!

I will not have a FUCK IT moment!

I will not drink even if:

I am happy and want to celebrate

I am sad because I miss my girls or my mom.

I just want a little buzz.

I want to escape with wine with my husband sitting on our deck.

I think my moderation button is fixed—- because it FUCKING ISNT!

Wolfie shows his bastard self.

I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m injured.

I have a terrible day teaching ( there are many)!

Think I’m missing all the fun.

Instead I will:

Celebrate by playing some upbeat music and dance around singing off key!

Cry and feel my grief for my mom or skype with my girls.

Exercise and get an endorphin high.

Make us a fresca, le Croix cocktail with a slice of lime and enjoy our paradise.

Call the fix it shop and tell them, don’t bother fixing it, I won’t be needing my moderation button.

Kick wolfie wine bastard in the balls and tell him to fuck off! I’m in control, not him.

Look around and see others worse off than me. Quit whining and do abs.

Vent for 5 minutes to my husband about the rude disrespectful students, then forget about it!

Remember my sister in law making a fool out of herself and witnessing her self hatred.

I will not drink, no matter what!

I want to see what happens next! I CAN DO THIS!!!

I bought myself my 6 month treat: a new watch!

After I bought it, it hit me, it’s perfect! SOBER TIME! I’m telling sober time now! It’s fucking awesome!

 

Ho hum

It’s day 180 and you would think I would be dancing around. Just feeling Ho hum.. I’m happy mind you and think it’s pretty damn cool. I’m just really tired today after hosting guests for five days and going back to work after a holiday. Tomorrow will be 6 months since my last drink , I should say binge. It was thanksgiving day – all day! Think I will get a good night sleep tonight and dream of something big for myself tomorrow……180…. A 180….. 180 degrees…… Yes, I’ve done an about face to wolfie wine bastard and marched I n the opposite direction…… Pretty damn cool!

Clarity

So glad I hung on through my rough spell! It became clear and solidified the reason for not drinking this weekend. I watched my sister in law battle with her guilt and self hatred the morning after. She talked to me about it. I tried not to gloat but I couldn’t contain my huge smile and pride for my discipline. It was shaky for a bit but I reached out and got the support of the beautiful sober online world. Hugs!! We have to stick together!   Hey! I just realized tomorrow is 180 days!!!!! Holy shit!!!!!

a big treat is in order!!!  Hmmmmmm what shall it be?

GO AWAY!

Just get the hell out of my head wine bastard wolfie! I’ve been knocking  him out lately. Strange that at almost six months, he’s back with a vengeance. Testing, teasing, taunting. I finally emailed Rebecca and belle yesterday reaching out to them for encouragement. They both responded quickly and I had tears in my eyes when I read their responses. They care!

You know I write this blog so I get my feelings off my chest about this not drinking thing I’m doing. I do it to just throw it out there along with wolfie. I get a few comments which I so appreciate. That’s not my purpose of writing though. I realized yesterday how important it is to have encouragement even after the 100 days of daily emails from belle and Rebecca.

they gave me lots of good advice to get over this time: self care, treats, drink lots of water, sleep and reminder of how deceptive wolfie can be.

im a fitness nut, exercise is very important to me. I’ve injured my foot 3 months ago and have been babying it trying to heal it on my own, I ran 2 weeks ago and re tore all the ligaments in it. I’m back to square one. I went to doctor and he put me in a boot cast for minimum 5 weeks. Ugh! I’m still doing some exercise but it definitely has me in a funk.

i saw a post yesterday that said

GOD  must have something really big in store for you because the devil is sure making a fuss with you right now!

i like it! It’s a new day! I can do this!……. Wonder what God has in store?