SOBER TIME!

My 6months of sobriety treat to myself!

Team 365! Bring It!

So, Here it is, My team 365 pledge I wrote to Belle and Rebecca: 

Today at 7:33 PM

I’ve done 180 days! I’m ready for more! I love the way I feel sober and I know it will only get better!

Wolfie is mostly quiet these days but I know if he lurks I need to reach out -immediately!

I vow to not drink one fucking drop between now and my one year sober versary!

I will not have a FUCK IT moment!

I will not drink even if:

I am happy and want to celebrate

I am sad because I miss my girls or my mom.

I just want a little buzz.

I want to escape with wine with my husband sitting on our deck.

I think my moderation button is fixed—- because it FUCKING ISNT!

Wolfie shows his bastard self.

I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m injured.

I have a terrible day teaching ( there are many)!

Think I’m missing all the fun.

Instead I will:

Celebrate by playing some upbeat music and dance around singing off key!

Cry and feel my grief for my mom or skype with my girls.

Exercise and get an endorphin high.

Make us a fresca, le Croix cocktail with a slice of lime and enjoy our paradise.

Call the fix it shop and tell them, don’t bother fixing it, I won’t be needing my moderation button.

Kick wolfie wine bastard in the balls and tell him to fuck off! I’m in control, not him.

Look around and see others worse off than me. Quit whining and do abs.

Vent for 5 minutes to my husband about the rude disrespectful students, then forget about it!

Remember my sister in law making a fool out of herself and witnessing her self hatred.

I will not drink, no matter what!

I want to see what happens next! I CAN DO THIS!!!

I bought myself my 6 month treat: a new watch!

After I bought it, it hit me, it’s perfect! SOBER TIME! I’m telling sober time now! It’s fucking awesome!

 

Ho hum

It’s day 180 and you would think I would be dancing around. Just feeling Ho hum.. I’m happy mind you and think it’s pretty damn cool. I’m just really tired today after hosting guests for five days and going back to work after a holiday. Tomorrow will be 6 months since my last drink , I should say binge. It was thanksgiving day – all day! Think I will get a good night sleep tonight and dream of something big for myself tomorrow……180…. A 180….. 180 degrees…… Yes, I’ve done an about face to wolfie wine bastard and marched I n the opposite direction…… Pretty damn cool!

Clarity

So glad I hung on through my rough spell! It became clear and solidified the reason for not drinking this weekend. I watched my sister in law battle with her guilt and self hatred the morning after. She talked to me about it. I tried not to gloat but I couldn’t contain my huge smile and pride for my discipline. It was shaky for a bit but I reached out and got the support of the beautiful sober online world. Hugs!! We have to stick together!   Hey! I just realized tomorrow is 180 days!!!!! Holy shit!!!!!

a big treat is in order!!!  Hmmmmmm what shall it be?

GO AWAY!

Just get the hell out of my head wine bastard wolfie! I’ve been knocking  him out lately. Strange that at almost six months, he’s back with a vengeance. Testing, teasing, taunting. I finally emailed Rebecca and belle yesterday reaching out to them for encouragement. They both responded quickly and I had tears in my eyes when I read their responses. They care!

You know I write this blog so I get my feelings off my chest about this not drinking thing I’m doing. I do it to just throw it out there along with wolfie. I get a few comments which I so appreciate. That’s not my purpose of writing though. I realized yesterday how important it is to have encouragement even after the 100 days of daily emails from belle and Rebecca.

they gave me lots of good advice to get over this time: self care, treats, drink lots of water, sleep and reminder of how deceptive wolfie can be.

im a fitness nut, exercise is very important to me. I’ve injured my foot 3 months ago and have been babying it trying to heal it on my own, I ran 2 weeks ago and re tore all the ligaments in it. I’m back to square one. I went to doctor and he put me in a boot cast for minimum 5 weeks. Ugh! I’m still doing some exercise but it definitely has me in a funk.

i saw a post yesterday that said

GOD  must have something really big in store for you because the devil is sure making a fuss with you right now!

i like it! It’s a new day! I can do this!……. Wonder what God has in store?

Tempted

Woah, major temptations the last 5 days. Wolfie was on my tail. Started after school Thursday. I was so excited to be taking a four day weekend with my husband back to my home state where we just bought a house that my oldest daughter will be renting.  My mood was flying high and I wanted to celebrate, get a buzz. I didn’t tell my husband. Thank goodness he is mostly on this no drinking ride. Got a bite to eat on my layover in one of those squished restaurants. The two woman on either side were drinking glasses of wine…. Grrrr

how dare they? I survived with water and an expensive terrible hamburg.

i was ok Friday. Saturday was a beautiful day. Worked out in the yard, family visited, we then went to an Italian restaurant and my two daughters and husband all had drinks. I started having conversations in my head, or I should say, wolfie bastard was whispering sweet wine nothings. Thought after almost 6 months, maybe my moderation button is fixed. Maybe I could have just one. Maybe I could have wine on special occasions….. I ordered coffee.

Sunday, Mother’s Day. Another beautiful day. Had a BBQ and a nice fire. My oldest and my husband had beer. Thank goodness, they didn’t have red wine or I would have caved.

ive got to hang on. Why would I ruin all this? 

Major debate going on. I said that I would not say this sober thing is forever because that’s too daunting…. Ok, need to go back to my beginning…… One day at a time. Get my tools out. Go to the online support system. Don’t get cocky.

put on your wine wolfie bastard shield.   Not today, no wine for me today. I can do this. This will pass!

BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Yep, put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

Crazy, busy, stressful work week! In the past, during these days, all I would think about is opening a bottle of wine when I got home. Thursday I had to put in a 13 hour day. Teach and then work the gate at a soccer game – not by choice. ( grr. Don’t even get me going how North Carolina treats their teachers!) any how, on my way home, I was so grumpy because I HAD to do the game. Last year, I called home to G to have a glass ready for me!

A mom voice spoke to me. ” Stop. Complaining, put on your big girl panties and forget about it!”

How many times have I told my 3 daughters to quit whining, put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!  Hello Melanie! Practice what you preach!

In the last 5 ish years, I really became a whiner, a drama queen, a weakling in my own sort of way. Instead of putting on my big girl panties, I opened a bottle or two of wine instead of dealing with shit and getting over the – whatever- in short order.

It was like I hit myself over the head with this revelation! So, I came home, made myself some yummy spaghetti, and poured an ice cold fresca and patted myself on the back that I survived a long day and it was really no big deal!!!!

So instead of listening to wolfie, I now have my momma recording in my head!

Just need to hit play when I feel myself starting to weaken over quite frankly the little stuff!

Maybe I’ll buy myself some sexy big girl panties for a treat!!!

! BTW day 157!!!!!!