Tool Box

Day 89…. so im feeling pretty good… must be the pink cloud the sober vets talk about…. I don’t want to become complacent, vulnerable, too cocky …. so what can I do to make sure my guard is up and keep my eye on the sober prize?

Journaling really helps me keep focused. Writing this blogs really helps me sort thoughts out and centers me back to the life style I want to have : Sober!

 I know that I have to have my sober tools ready and handy:

*sober drinks,

*my to go “kool aid” 24 ounce insulated pretty cup,

* ” I will not have a FUCK IT moment” mantra (thanks Belle).;

*Walk or exercise after a stressful day at work;

*talking about it out loud with my husband ( I am sooooo thankful he is supporting me);

*Reading sober blogs;

*being ready with pat answers for the typical questions…..

I’m filling my sober tool box  and I’m recognizing my more difficult triggers: stressful work day, Fridays (TGIF) ,when I see people drinking red wine on TV, social anxiety……

I find myself consciously deciding what strategy I will use to get me through……..Its a journey, one step at a time…with my shiny red toolbox in hand…. And a sledge hammer in the other hand to bash that wine bastard wolfie when he slinks out from behind a tree!

What’s in your tool box?

Sober hugs and high fives!

Good place

I feel in a good place. I feel confident in my sobriety in this present moment. I know I can’t become complacent and “cocky”. I have to still be ready for the unexpected attack from wine bastard wolfie.. I’m safe in my bubble at home. My mind feels sharper. I feel kinder.

i drink my boat loads of decaf coffee with sugar free caramel macchiato creamer and le croix water. I treat myself here and there for the great job I’m doing cause this ain’t easy!  Stay the course. I’m enjoying this place I’m at today…one day at a time.88 days.. How did I get here? I guess one day at a time! High fives to me!

High School

I felt like I was in high school last night .Had THE neighbors over for dinner last night. they brought their bottle of wine over, just as is the past. Last night , hubby decided to not have any wine at all. ( He has been sooooo supportive and pretty much alcohol free since I started).:) 🙂 🙂

Anyway, cliffnotes:  neighbors got a text during dinner from new neighbors we haven’t met yet but “heard” they were awesome, fun, i.e. party-ers.—-inviting them to come over. They couldn’t have eaten faster! I said, “go, no problem, maybe we can go over with you and meet them”. In a way I was glad because then we could leave when we wanted. I was pissed though and felt like I was in high school that just got ditched by my best friend for the cool, new kids.

another thing that pissed me off: of course the questions came, ” so can we come over on day 101 and see you drink again? what do you like about beiong sober? How do you feel? and the big one that pissed me off: “Oh, you won’t be able to go over there without drinking”.

Well, we went, nice people, brought our own big insulated cups of sober kool aide. Was bored after an hour being around drunk people and came home.

woke up , still upset about what happened but I need to put my expensive readers on and see this as a VICTORY, !

1. I didn’t succumb to pressure.

2. our neighbors have someone new to party with since we don’t “party” like they do anymore. So don’t have to worry about all the questions, etc.

I guess friends come and go…… I’m glad I still have my best friend, my husband, supporting me ALL the Way!

Glad I’m not in high school anymore   🙂  Day 87, Let’s bring it!!!!!

 

Jumbled thoughts

Day 86! Wow, Up early on a Saturday morning and my thoughts are all over the place!

1. I feel I’m out of my funk! Went to the gym last night and did a circuit training class! Loved it!

2. Wolfie thoughts: Maybe I can come to a point where I can have a glass of wine now and then!!

NO NO NO NO NO. Did you not to see what you wrote? THOSE THOUGHTS ARE WOLFIE SPEAKING! Melanie, (speaking to myself in parent tone: You do not know how to moderate. your moderation is broken and cannot be fixed!) SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!!

3. Neighbor thoughts: We have very good friends as neighbors that we have partied with frequently.. They travel on business a lot so they come and go. When they are home, it was almost a done deal that we would get together and drink copious amounts of wine together. Well, they cant seem to wrap their head around my not drinking. they are ok with it, but, ask me a TON of questions about my choice. BUGS ME — get over it!!!

so, they wanted us to come over last night. I just wasn’t up to it.

Makes me a bit sad that our friendship dynamics have changed because of me being sober.

again, I just need to roll with it and stay the course.

4. Husband thoughts: I feel like we’ve been in a HO HUM rut. Pre sober Friday nights.:Start drinking as soon as home from work. Be silly, have fun, wild sex, pass out, feel like shit Saturday morning, self-loathing, guilt for drinking out of control..

ok Melanie… read the last 3 things listed! hELLOOOOO! So, what’s stopping me from doing the first 3 listed sober? Myself!!!!( Actually, I can be silly pretty easy without drinking)

Assignment for today: make an effort to put some sparks on the embers…..

******* wow, really helps to have aired a few of my jumbled thoughts….. I can see clearer now ( btw, I treated myself to expensive reading glasses yesterday not from the dollar store) 🙂

so….. day 86…… Let’s do this!

Ride the funk

Last 2 days I’ve been in a funk… Yesterday… Bad day… But I squashed wolfie wine bastard!!!!

today, just feeling in a funk again… Stress at work, self confidence in the basement for some reason…..

gotta ride the funk out….. It will pass.MADE myself go for a 2 mile walk after dinner and then read some sober blogs…. Feeling better already…..Note to self:  get out of funk tools: exercise, walk, reading sober blogs, communicating feelings to hubby.

gotta keep the toolbox handy and ready!!!!! I have the resources!!!!!! Ride the funk out….. Use your tools!!!!!!

Recipe for wolfie

84 days ago if today happened, I would have popped a bottle of old vine zin by 5 and probably a second with my husband by 6.   It was one of those days.!!!!!!! Shitty 3rd period with fucking rude high school kids and then on my way to go to spin class AT the gym ( I so needed it to adjust my mood), car broke down!!!!! Called husband 5 times with no answer…… Can you see my blood pressure rising?

old thoughts entered my mind…… Get home….. Open a bottle……

Took a big breath and said,” just embrace your pissed offedness, feel it

get home, work out!!!” Husband came and rescued me ( I did apologize for taking everything out on him)

busted out a workout, healthy dinner….. Mood definitely altered …..without the assistance of wine wolfie bastard!

thank God I didn’t have a FUCK IT MOMENT!!!! Woo hoo!!!!! Day 83 almost in the bag!!!!

Fat thighs and clear eyes

WTF!!!!! Ok, I know I’ve really been kinder to myself since I’ve quit drinking but I’m starting to get pissed off that my thighs and ass are getting huge. I don’t get it! All the sober veterans tell me to be patient… Well, I’m trying. I know that I am not eating near the calories that my wine consumption added up to…. I have treated myself here and there with some chocolates or trail mix but not enough for my fat pants to be tight!!! You girls know heat I’m talking about when I say “fat pants”.

i guess I need to still work on being kinder to myself… Need to focus on what an amazing job I’m doing on this sober thing which is incredibly fucking hard at times…..haven’t heard from wolfie in awhile….  he stuck out a paw last night when I was really pissed off but I slammed my heel on it.

its a new day. Maybe I’ll wear a skirt to work today so I don’t have to get pissed off about my thighs…. Sober life is better than tight fat pants… I will get through this!!

Questions about 100

So as I am approaching day 100 of sobriety, I have been getting questions. ” so what are you going to do when you reach 100 days? Are you going to drink again? How are you feeling?

When I began this sober journey the questions came of course…… My standard answer was,” I’ve decided to challenge myself to this 100 day challenge. That seemed to work and shut most people up.

so how do I answer these new questions?

Ive answered, ” I’m going to start over again.  I’m going to shoot for 180.  I don’t think my moderation button is fixed yet so I think I’ll keep this sober thing going for a while.

Notice I didn’t say, ” I’m quitting forever!” That is way too daunting. at the moment, I am not planning on drinking again…..ever.

So, I’ll just pick one of the options from the above answers and keep on going…. One day at a time!

sex without wine!?

yep, I said it! Ive been wanting to talk about this subject since I started this 100 day challenge. I’ve searched my favorite blogs and no one talks about it .so since no one reads my blog but me. I’m just going to air it all out. well, its’ no surprise, alcohol loosens inhibitions . When I drank, I felt sexy, carefree, adventurous, wild, horny… any other adjectives( interject). So, I’ve always enjoyed sex but as I look back, it has transpired the majority of time under the influence. So … how do I get the confidence to be all those things without the wine? and, do I want to be those things without the influence? Does  my husband(who has pretty much quit drinking too)  still find me sexy? How do I re-invent, so to speak, my sexual self sober? When we drank wine, which was almost every night, my husband used to be a pretty lucky guy.( I was usually the one who initiated) Now, It’s less frequent.

The good thing…… I can remember it!!!! How many mornings did I ask myself whether or not we had sex  and couldn’t remember because I was too drunk?….. which started the morning after self loathing….. NO THANKS!

I guess finding out the sober sexual me is all part of this sober journey. And I’m going to embrace it!!!! Day 77!!!

Maybe I’ll embrace my husband tonight 😉

Any thoughts????

M

Boring

Yep sometimes being sober without the buzz of wine is boring…… But I’ll take boring over self loathing…… Any day!

other positives:

remembering whether or not I had sex with my husband the night before

my girls not being embarrassed of inappropriate things I’ve said

my senses being heightened!

being kinder to myself